15 steps to losing friends during a episode

While sat with family on boxing day, myself and a family friend (who is also bipolar) decided that we’ll make a list of steps of how to lose friends… Okey it’s not the best thing to do but we’ve all been there doing episodes where we are outgoing, confident and get on with people (or maybe not if irritatablety plays it’s part) or when being depressed, pushing people away, shutting down ect.

So here’s our easy 15 step guide to making and losing friends.

Step 1: Be in a manic state (treat everybody as your best friend, being confident and just be awesome)

Step 2: Go outside to interact with people in different places, pubs and night clubs are the best for this as you can dance away with that engery you now have.

Step 3: Meet new friends who now want to be your friend because they love your energy, confidence and your habit to spend out on all those things you know you just need and think you are awesome because of this.

Step 4: Agree to ‘hey, we should totally meet up some time!!!’

Step 5: Get Facebook/number/address of new friend.

Step 6: Now that you are out of the social context, fall into a depressive episode.

Step 7: From now on, whenever your new friend tries to contact you, don’t bother to answer, since you feel so miserable that writing a text seems impossible and assuming that everybody secretly hates you.

Step 8: Feel bad because your new friend takes it personally and wonder what’s wrong with you.

Step 9: Don’t explain to them your condition because you don’t know them that well and it would awkward as they wouldn’t understand or just think you are crazy.

Step 10: Avoid them every time you see them because you feel too bad to know that you hurt them.

Step 11: Lose this friend.

Step 12: Isolate yourself.

Step 13: Lose all of your friends.

Step 14: Count the cost of this and the cost of past episodes.

Step 15: And repeat

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My experience with Anorexia: Trigger Warning

I am forever engaged in a silent battle in my head over whether or not to lift the fork to my mouth, and when I talk myself into doing so, I taste only shame. I have an eating disorder.

11 years now I’ve been in a off and on again battle with Anorexia, periods of recovery and then relapse. Something I never really talked about till now so here’s a long post about my battle…

All started when I was 13, started as a control thing, my parents controlled everything I did and controlling what I ate was my part of gaining some control but as things like this go it quickly spirals into a deadly cycle of restricting, binging, lying and hiding from the truth.

I quickly lost weight (I’m quite a skinny person anyhows), I gained prise from friends, cousins asked me how I did it, people I knew commented about how I looked; parents and teachers didn’t batter a eyelid, encouraged by all this I kept going. Ana took hold. The cycle I mentioned took hold.

Skipping breakfast, rushing out, cycling the 5 miles to and from the school, pacing the corridors to burn off kcals I did guiltily eat at lunch and then cycling back home and then trying to skip dinner or have very little only to binge at night, I emptied the cupboards, fruit bowls anything I could get my hands on to stop that voice. Only to be filled with disgust once I stopped. So the cycle continued

Fast forward six months I was at one of my lowest weights, somehow I started challenging ana, slowly fighting back seeking recovery, I never told anyone but I think some knew.

A year and a bit later at the age of 15, I was healthy, happy, at a safe weight only at times going into old habits.

At 17, I sunk back into the world of ana, but this time was different. I was manic, high as a kite, loving life, hardly sleeping, who needs to eat? Eating wastes time , time I need to use so I can complete my mission, I kept thinking to myself so the cycle began again. This time people started saying that I was anorexic.

The days became nights, nights became days, I was racing sinking deeper and deeper into anorexia and mania again, that voice of ana becoming stronger and stronger taking over my life and a little bit later I crashed, into a crippling depression. Not moving, guilty about eating, being repulsed by the fat on my body. After a few weeks I tried to take my own life, I failed thankfully, admitted to a mental health hospital. Told I was anorexic (formal this time, not just people saying it), bipolar (along with BPD just to make things more interesting) In there I once again recovered to a point with my anorexia. Discharged I continued my life, working, seeing people, studying and sadly the odd restriction and binge (mainly to remind my self that I have control)

Now it’s 2014, 8 years later from then; I’m 24 and relapsed back into that horrible cycle of restricting, binging, the guilt of eating, the fear of gaining, the obsession of counting everything I’ve ate. This time it was picked up on a review, I was referred to a eating disorder clinic. For the first time in my life I’m getting specialised support and treatment for my disorder. So far so good, I still have the cycle but it’s becoming more and more controlled, I’ve stopped certain behaivers and now using coping methods to control thoughts (mindfullness and ice diving are great)

Now with the right support I can beat this demon once and for all, but a small part of me knows that it will always be with me, lurking in the background, waiting for that moment.

A quote I like to use at times is ‘recovery is a choice, and everyday, every moment I have to make that choice’ will I choose recovery? Fuck yes I will

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