#Take5ToBlog

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Seeing that it’s Time to Talk day, I decided to take part in the #Take5ToBlog. It’s where there’s 5 questions from your name, your illness to your hopes for the future.

I found this though a Facebook post and also a email I was sent and I just had to take part so I could do my part to raise awareness of mental health and the issues around it.

Now I’m fairly open about my mental health (as you would see from my twitter and also this blog) but this is slightly different.

So here’s my #Take5ToBlog

My name is: Fox (like I’ll give my real name on here) and I have experienced a variety of mental health problems to name a few: Bipolar, anorexia, anxiety, OCD and also PTSD.

My mental illnesses have affected every part of my life: being awake, sleeping, work ect. The crushing lows and highs of bipolar have impacted so much of my life from self care, friends, personal relationships and also work. Anorexia also affects every waking moment, living with the fear of food and the fear of gaining weight, having a voice where it makes you believe that you are fat, the guilt after eating something, the impulse to exercise all the time to lose weight. The anxiety is another one; the fear of being in a crowded place, speaking to people who I don’t know or being in a different place, this affects me to the point where I’ll have panic attacks, bolt away or worse case… I just shut down.

My greatest source of support has come from my closest friends who have been so understanding over the years and stuck by me even when I’ve been at my lowest and was sectioned. Also my girlfriend has been fantastic at supporting me, understanding how I may act or react to something and being very resuring when something happens.

My hope for the future is two things. The first one is to get back to the point where I was a few years ago where I was stable and not in the depths of my eating disorder. The 2nd is that mental health can be discussed openly and not hidden away as a shameful seciart.

I’m taking 5 on time to talk day because it’s important to talk about mental health and to raise awareness of the issues surrounding it.

Now I’ve done mine, are you going to do yours? Or take 5 minutes to talk to someone? It can be just a simple hello and how are you doing.

Some conversations are scary. Some aren’t. Don’t be afraid to talk about mental health

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15 steps to losing friends during a episode

While sat with family on boxing day, myself and a family friend (who is also bipolar) decided that we’ll make a list of steps of how to lose friends… Okey it’s not the best thing to do but we’ve all been there doing episodes where we are outgoing, confident and get on with people (or maybe not if irritatablety plays it’s part) or when being depressed, pushing people away, shutting down ect.

So here’s our easy 15 step guide to making and losing friends.

Step 1: Be in a manic state (treat everybody as your best friend, being confident and just be awesome)

Step 2: Go outside to interact with people in different places, pubs and night clubs are the best for this as you can dance away with that engery you now have.

Step 3: Meet new friends who now want to be your friend because they love your energy, confidence and your habit to spend out on all those things you know you just need and think you are awesome because of this.

Step 4: Agree to ‘hey, we should totally meet up some time!!!’

Step 5: Get Facebook/number/address of new friend.

Step 6: Now that you are out of the social context, fall into a depressive episode.

Step 7: From now on, whenever your new friend tries to contact you, don’t bother to answer, since you feel so miserable that writing a text seems impossible and assuming that everybody secretly hates you.

Step 8: Feel bad because your new friend takes it personally and wonder what’s wrong with you.

Step 9: Don’t explain to them your condition because you don’t know them that well and it would awkward as they wouldn’t understand or just think you are crazy.

Step 10: Avoid them every time you see them because you feel too bad to know that you hurt them.

Step 11: Lose this friend.

Step 12: Isolate yourself.

Step 13: Lose all of your friends.

Step 14: Count the cost of this and the cost of past episodes.

Step 15: And repeat

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Living with the lies

Today I was going though some old email accounts and come across some emails from a very old blog I used to write. This was full of posts when I was at my worse in terms of my mental health and also with anorexia and listed things such as poor care, sections I was on, the move between camhs to adult services and also poems (used to be quite a poet till I gave up).

So while having a good read down memory line I saw this under a post called ‘living with the lies’

I don’t know why I do it, but I do. I have this unhealthy obsession with pretending to people that my life is trundling along with absolutely no problems and everything is fantastic when in actual fact it’s falling apart very rapidly and is being held in place by the tiniest of tiniest of threads which can come undone at any time because of the smallest thing, and today I think its happened

It got me thinking, during that time I was very ill and not at that point of asking for help so I pretended everything was okey, I still do have that obsession at times where I do say I have no problems, everything is fantastic when everything is really going wrong but over time I have improved on that, instead of all the time, I do now ask for help if I need it.

BUT

All it takes is that one trigger, that one thread to come undone and everything comes apart.

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