Christmas time with anorexia

Christmas normally means a lot of things to a lot of people whether it’s based around celebration, religion, spending time with family or those family traditions but to me it’s a time of fear, stress, being triggered by the slightest of things and the yearly tradition of crying during dinner and the family fallout after it as a result.

In my household we seem to surround ourselves with food at christmas; the advent calendar treats, attempting to sneak chocolates off the tree without anyone noticing (by putting the foil back on) and tucking into those Cadbury selection boxes that a family friend always seems brings round (and adds to the pole of chocolate).

Then it’s christmas day itself: the morning treats, tucking into snacks of sweets from our stocking then it’s the meal itself (the pigs in blankets, the massive helpings of vegetables and other items ect piled high on our plates) and then the rest of the day of drinking wine, munching away on what ever is left from the morning and dinner before sinking into that drunken or overfed slumber in the evening.

But this to me is hell, it torments me and haunts my every waking thought throughout December.

As it gets closer and closer the voice of ana gets stronger and stronger till like I said earlier it starts to haunt my every moment, dreaming of what I used to eat during this time, what I miss, what will happen if I do go and eat these things that I used to enjoy so much and the shame/guilt of loosing that control.

Ana goes into full blown overdrive during this time, it gains even more control that it craves so much. Every trip to the shops is opportunity for with shelf after shelf of treats (chocolate, biscuits and cakes) for her to tell me no, I can’t have this or that for fear of losing that control or that it would course me to gain.

The insightful me doesn’t want this battle with myself all the time. I don’t want to be full of anxiety when that box of celebrations comes round while we’re all watching that bad, overplayed Christmas film on the TV and let people wonder why I don’t take any, I don’t want to try and make excuses to avoid dinner, I don’t want to struggle with trying to eat small mouthfuls of veg only to feel guilty, ashamed and like I’ve gained a million pounds as a result.

Some family members and friends say that it’s only a day, a day where I can try and be free from anorexia and enjoy the things I used to eat (and creave so much), act without fear around meal or snacks but it’s not as easy as just flicking a switch to turn the voice off, the feeling off or the fear off.

It’s the panic about going away from safe foods, my routine and scared of the voice of ana, second guessing everything, leading me to the wrong conclusion and taking well meaning comments the wrong way.

I guess with time and progress with my recovery, I can try and enjoy this time of year and everything that I used to but for this year, that won’t happen.

Please follow and like us:

Ten things not to say to someone with a eating disorder

I could write a long list of all the things you shouldn’t say to someone who suffers from a eating disorder so instead I’m just going to write down the top ones that people have said to me and seem to be a common thing people say to people who have eating disorders.

“You don’t look so bad to me”

“You look so healthy”

“Do you binge?”

“How much do you weigh?”

“What’s your BMI?, mines *insert number here*!”

“How much did you weigh at your lowest?”

“Are you going to eat all of that?”

“You could do with some fat on you”

“I wish I could be anorexic, I could do with loosing some weight!”

And the one I hate so much and has been said to me by so many people (friends, family and even health care professionals)…

“Why don’t you just eat something?!”

Please follow and like us:

Remind yourself

This is a letter to remind yourself that you are beautiful. Yes it may be true that you struggle with that voice in your head telling you that your not or that your a failure or many other negative things but however remember that voice is not your true voice. You are the voice of confidence, perseverance, determination and of course strength.

Please promise yourself what ever you do, you won’t give up this fight, you never know what’s around that corner.

Promise that you will do everything in your power to fight the good fight.

Why you may ask?

Because you deserve to be happy, healthy and mainly you deserve to be the best person you can be to yourself. You don’t have to prove anything to others.

Yes, your struggles are real and yes there will be more struggles to come but remember that these things will pass.

Remember that all those negative feelings that pierce the very fibers of your body and thoughts and make you want to go back to how you were and want to let that voice win will pass as well.

These feelings and thoughts are temporary, they come and go like the tide of the ocean. You just have to stand there and watch them pass but not let them sweep you away into that darkness again.

Remember that you really want the very best and also recovery for yourself and promise yourself that you won’t stop until you get this. It will be hard, it will be a uphill battle, it will take time and there will be times where you want to give up but it will be worth it in the end.

You are human, you are as complex as the universe itself and remember that you are even more beautiful than the stars in the sky.

You are unique. Don’t give this up.

Promise yourself that you will remember this everyday.

Please follow and like us:

Past few months with the Local mental health services and the fallout

I am surviving,
And that is,
About all there,
Is to it

Over the last two months, I’ve been in and out and passed around from the local mental services, from the local primary care team to the intensive team (crisis team) back again to the primary care team, to the GP, back again to the intensive team and then a brief stay in hospital thanks to a intervention by my eating disorder team.

My local intensive team are quite bad and are well known for it, while under their care, I was accused of lieing, self Dx’ing myself (I was told by one of their doctors that I wasn’t Bipolar but instead Borderline or I could just have recurring depression which lead to a argument and me slamming the door and walking out), being a attention seeker and making things sound worse than they were, along with being told to eat something all the time although the meds I was given killed of my appetite.

Thankfully I got a second opinion from one of the different doctors who agreed that my bipolar Dx shod stay the same but with BPD added in as well (co-mobid).

After a few weeks of support from them and daily visits I was discharged back to my GP and to the care of my eating disorder team. I was quite thankful for this because of the above but after a couple of weeks I started to rapid cycle; I felt high, confident, more energy, on top of the world, not needing sleep and excitable but that was short lived, I would come crashing down, not being able to move, crying, self care at its worst along with other things. So the cycle continued, a family member figured it was my antidepressants that might be causing it like they have done in the past, so I stopped taking them.

This was horrible; I stopped eating, struggled with the simplest of tasks and I started to dissociatate more to the point where it was impacting everything I did. This lead to my eating disorder team during a supported lunch to phone the Intensive team to see about getting me admitted which happened after waiting for 6 hours for a bed. I was kept in for a few days till I discharged myself because I felt it wasn’t helping and was to restrictive.

Back at home this week I’ve started to think more and more about how I’ve been treated by the intensive team and the primary care, they should of seen what was happening, acted on what I was saying (I had some insight) and after my section 136, offered the right level of support and not what they done above. The past couple of days I’ve been exhausted, stressed to the point where I’m getting ill by it all, crying about it, shutting down as a way of coping and over thinking it all, could I have changed things? No I couldn’t, but now what’s happened has distoryed my trust in the services to the point where I don’t want to engage with them again (well apart from my ED team). This fallout will continue for a while till I can learn to cope with it and recover.

They sent a survey to me and my family about the care I received, let’s just say it was very very low and I wrote a letter on the back that I hope they read (Dear Crisis Team)

Till then I am just surviving and that is about all there, is to it.

Please follow and like us:


OCD is quite a odd subject for me, I’ve never really acknowledged it or really talked about it to people in case they thought I was odd or just making things up.

It wasn’t till the other week when a few people were tweeting about it that I joined in and spoke about some things I did, and how it effects my everyday life. For me my compulsotions get worse when I’m being more and more ill and my mind relaxes a bit when I become more stable.

My main thing is about numbers, and that’s even numbers. Everything I do is based around that, from the number of drinks I have, buying food, how many times I check the door when locking up, how many steps I take, how steps and even right down to how many tea bags I use to make my tea with.

If I don’t get a even number then there’s that overly nagging thought that something bad is going to happen or has happened and it grows and grows to I deal with it by making it up to that even number, it’s all quite hard to explain even putting it down to writtening.

To family living with me, they think it’s just me being ‘quirky’, nothing I do anymore surprises them (joys of mental illness) but to others it’s ‘that’s quite weird’ but I guess it’s something to live with and to try and come with.

Please follow and like us: